ME: “Norah, close the door.”

NORAH: (my 4 yr old grandbabe) ”Why?”

ME: “Because the moths will fly in.”

NORAH: “Why?”

Me: “Because they love the light.”

NORAH: “Why?”

ME: “They think it’s the moon.”

NORAH: “Why?”

ME: “Because our light shines like the moon and they think it is showing them where to fly; like a big compass.”

NORAH: “Why they need a compass, Miko?”

ME: “So they can find what they are looking for.”

NORAH: “Why can’t they just come in?”

ME: “Because our light will hurt them.”

NORAH: “Why?”

ME: “Because it’s not really the moon or a compass. They get confused by it and will keep banging up against it until they just fall to the ground.”

NORAH: “But why Miko?”

ME: 😩😩😩😩

Me: ”Sweet Jesus…let it be ok with You that I just direct her little mind back to the Play-Doh so the firing rounds of “whys” will stop!”

JESUS: ”I feel your pain. You use to ask me that same question over and over again.”

It’s so true! I spent many a night asking Him “why?”. Like the moth, banging my head up against the light trying to make sense of all the traumas. I kept flying head on, looking for definitive answers to the ”whys” that I thought were pertinent to survival. My brain needed to neatly piece life’s puzzle together. My heart needed there to be a noble reason why. My soul needed God to tell me why they had to happen in the first place.

I found myself looking for answers that I could highlight in my Bible to make me feel better. I found reasoning in verses that made everything fit. I searched for certainty and promises that I could control, so I found parables that really didn’t fit at all, but I forced them to. All in all, I found what I was looking for….temporary band aids to cover the heartache.

The truth is, all the head on collisions left me wounded and exhausted. Not only from the pain of the losses themselves, but from the unacknowledged resentment I felt towards God. My efforts in forcing square pegs into round holes was taking a toll on my courage to just have faith.

Was He really as good as He said He was? I was highly doubting it because I, emphasis on I, couldn’t fathom the good that He is capable of. I couldn’t come up with an (earthly) scenario that made it all make sense. I was trying my best to put God in a tidy little box that there was just no way He could ever be contained in. In doing so, I was beginning to lose faith in what I had had so much faith in. So like the moth, I was getting disoriented in a season of spiritual confusion. That’s when I came across a little verse in Mark….

“why do you let your faith be overcome by fear?” (Mark 4:40)

Disorientation, disconection, busyness, fear and confusion, all tactics satan uses to capture our heart’s devotion. He can use wounds from your own story to whisper lies of neglect. He can be counted on to call something that is good bad, and bad good. He uses your questions against you to call your trust in God into question.

But God’s plan is to capture your heart, again and again if need, to lead you back to The Truth because if you embrace the truth, it will set you free. (John 8:32)

God hasn’t given me a direct answer to my original questions of why. Honestly, He doesn’t owe me answers. Yes, it’s true, He doesn’t follow me, He asks me to follow Him for a reason. He is Lord over all. To this day I don’t have all the answers but God delivered me right back into a huge revelation; Jesus; the True Light.

I am the Light to the world and those who embrace Me, will experience life-giving light, and they will never walk in darkness. (John 7:12)

Jesus met me in my questions. He sat with me when I didn’t want to talk to Him. He comforted me with His presence. He sang over me in the sleepless night hours and walked with me while wandered around in the desert looking for truth. He called Himself my deliverer, protector, provider, defender, healer, comforter, and asked me to rest. He assured me that He was not shocked or disappointed by my humanity of fear of just having faith.

I think God uses our questions for us to gain a better understanding of who He truly is. The questions are sometimes just an invitation for Him to draw us in closer to the personal and life giving compass and that provides a clearer path.

So, I think we have be ok with not having all the answers. It’s ok to question, and it’s ok to just sit with grief for a minute. It’s ok to surrender the pain to Him vs. flying around trying to find a beautiful and meaningful way around it. lt’s even ok to be mad about it. It’s all ok …but it’s even better to wait for the answers to come in faith.

Right now, if you are in a season of questioning, I think Jesus just wants us to stop and have faith in who He is. He is the RISEN King. The one who came back from the dead to save us from ourselves….even if that means saving us 15 times a day. By His grace alone, He is up for the task.

When you can enter into knowing before fulfillment comes, you can exercise greater faith than ever. It’s truly impossible to walk in faith while being stuck in disappointment. But a celebration of the goodness of God in dry seasons leads to greater celebrations on the other side of the desert. That’s what true faith and hope look like. God’s promises come to those who can celebrate the fulfillment long before seeing it.

Take comfort in that, and make no apologies for it. According to His own promises, He has committed Himself to your well-being and abundance. He doesn’t undermine His relationship with you; He pledges to intimately sustain it and meet all of your needs. Whatever you’re facing today and in whatever you may face in the future, know He really is unimaginably good and is passionately fighting for you.

He calls us to have faith in that; to look to Him in faith and find Him faithful. Have faith that He does indeed hold all the answers and is working them for good. His desire is that we rest in the knowing that His sacrificial love for us is perfect in ALL ways. He invites us to stand firm in knowing that our resistance to believe Him is never as great as His persistence to love us. His empty tomb, a perfect and impassioned example of what we can always expect…

A love so exquisitely perfect and one that can never be overcome by anyone or anything. So death where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated. FOREVER!

So, for now, I rest in the fact that the answer is more than I could ever imagine. Why?

ME: …Jesus. ❤️